Typical slack-jawed, illiterate tractor jockey

PODUNK, USA — Residents of various backwoods hick states drawled their convictions recently in a collective outreach effort to our civilized blue states.

As one Sally Jo Bob, a cracker resident of the ‘scared sheep’ region of the country, put it: “I said my name is Sharon, not ‘Sally Jo Bob.’ Listen, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not all cornfields and the KKK out here. I’m a democrat and so are my neighbors. I have a Master’s in computer science. We have a world-class art museum in town, and the best schools in the nation, and … Geez, I don’t know why I bother. Why don’t you just go fuck off back to New York or San Francisco or wherever the hell you came from, prick.”
See “Toothless Yokels”, section C3

The tumescent suspect being taken into custody.

LAKEWOOD, OH — Area multi-millionaire Peter Schram has been arrested and taken into custody on suspicion of being involved in a series of lucrative international money laundering operations. He is also currently under investigation for a number of lesser charges in connection with the purchasing and shipping of prescription medications from various online Canadian pharmacies.

Peter Schram’s financial affairs attracted the attention of the police when he first gained his wealth after helping a deposed Nigerian prince regain his US$21 million fortune by channeling the funds through his own bank account. The prince had reportedly contacted Mr. Schram by email to propose the transaction. Mr. Schram then received a 20% commission, or $4.2 million dollars, for this service. Since that first instance, he is believed to have also helped a businessman in Nigeria and a Congolese doctor in the same manner, thereby amassing an even greater fortune.

Sources claim that Mr. Schram spent some of this fortune purchasing various prescription medications, without a prescription, from Canadian pharmacies. MySpace friends testified that his ‘manhood’ (See “Money Laundering”, section B3)