The Commuter Challenge

Q. What is the difference between Gene Simmons and Donald Trump?

A. Gene Simmons is a Rich Bassist and Donald Trump is a…

After church services an elderly lady went up to the altar boys and asked, “Did you transfer here from Father Dali’s parish?”

“No, I didn’t,” said the first altar boy.

She asked the other altar boy the same question. “Well then, did you transfer here from Father Dali’s congregation?”

“No, I didn’t either,” said the second altar boy. “I’ve never even heard of Father Dali.”

“That’s strange,” said the lady. “Then why am I hearing all of these rumors about the pastor having Roger Dali’s altar boys?”

Tom and Dick walk into a bar, and soon afterwards Harry joins them. Harry’s head spins around 360 degrees and his eyes glow red. Harry growls at the bartender, “Harry is possessed by the devil!”

The bartender asks, “Does the devil want to order anything?”

Harry says, “The devil wants a beer!”

Dick says, “That was a strange way to discuss a drink order.”

The bartender replies, “Not at all; the devil is in the third person.”

A journalist walks into a bar, and sees a zombie sitting by itself on the last stool, nursing a beer. The journalist sits down in the next chair and says, “Hey, I couldn’t help noticing that you’re a zombie. Would you be interested in giving me an interview?”

The zombie makes an irritable groan and turns away.

The journalist says, “C’mon, I’ve got a deadline coming up and nothing to write about. You’d be doing me a favor.”

But the zombie just snarls at him, and then gets up from the bar and shambles away, stopping only briefly to pull down its pants and theatrically moon the journalist before stumbling out the door.

The journalist turns back to the bartender dejectedly, and says, “Well, that was a dead end.”

Q. How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Pfft. If the light bulb was actually needed, someone else would have already changed it.

A hypnotist and his stage assistant walk into a bar. It’s extremely crowded, and there’s nowhere to sit. The assistant suggests they go somewhere else, but the hypnotist replies, “No no, I’ll just make a free spot at the bar for us. Watch.” He then walks up to a burly guy on the nearest stool and taps him three times on the left shoulder. The guy spins around, annoyed, but the hypnotist just looks him directly in the eye and says in a slow, calm monotone, “Excuse me … is this seat taken?”

The guy turns suddenly calm and says, “Why, no. Please, take my seat. I needed to stretch my legs anyway.” And he grabs his drink and goes over to stand against the wall.

The hypnotist smiles to the assistant, who is visibly impressed. “That’s amazing! Can you get a seat for me too?”

“Of course!” The hypnotist turns to the person in the next seat over, taps him three times on the left shoulder, and says, “Excuse me …” But the guy in the stool turns around and brandishes a huge machete. In a flash, he grabs the hypnotist’s arm and chops off his left hand. With a yell, he runs out of the bar, holding the severed hand like a trophy.

The assistant gapes at the hypnotist holding his bloody stump and yells, “What just happened?!”

“I’m not sure,” the hypnotist answers, “but apparently I’ve lost my touch.”